By Anna Davies

Pilates brings out a side to me I didn’t know I had. Before you start thinking I’ve found my inner peace, just stop. I’ve found my inner rage – and it’s bad. I have found myself asking why? Why am I so sassy when my legs are in table top position? Why do I feel so much fury after doing bicycle kicks? Most of all, why do I decide to take this rage out on my perfectly lovely Pilates instructor? After much self reflection this is what I’ve come up with:

1. When he says 15 more seconds and blatantly lies to my face

Maybe he is telling the truth. Maybe there really are only 15 seconds left but as I’m lying here working my muscles in places I didn’t know existed, 15 seconds feels like an eternity of suffering. If my Pilate’s instructor is reading here’s a suggestion – over estimate. Tell me I’ve got another 10 minutes left when there’s really 10 seconds. Yeah, I’d probably shoot you daggers at the time, but I’d be thanking you later, maybe.

2. When he makes me do arms

He knows I have the upper body strength of Mr Burns on a bad day, but still insists on making me do bicep curls and other terrible things. Okay, so some people might say that this is kind of the entire point of me doing exercise, and you would be right, but blind rage can’t be argued with.

3. When my mum is better at Pilates than me

I know it’s not a competitive sport but I just want to be the best. Is that really to much to ask? I’m young, I’m supposed to be limber and fit right? Well riddle me this, why can my mum get her leg so high it looks like a prosthetic limb while I can’t even touch my toes. Since starting this class I’ve started holding my Pilate’s instructor accountable for all of my physical flaws. It’s not fair and it doesn’t make sense, but neither does the rest of this blog post.

4. When he tells me how to breathe, and I inevitably mess it up

Look buddy, we’re lucky if I’m breathing at all. My legs are up in the air and I don’t know where I am anymore – how can you expect me to remember to inhale while pushing out and exhale while pushing in?

5. When he tells me tensing all my muscles will help distract me from the burning in my thighs

So here I am, legs ablaze with the fire of a thousand suns and you tell me to squeeze my abs as well? You then have the audacity to tell me this will make me feel better!? Okay so maybe it does take the pressure off a bit, maybe you were right – again, but that’s not going to stop me from death staring you.

My Pilates instructor has my best interests at heart and does a fantastic job, but while I’m on that reformer all I can see is red. I won’t apologise for my actions because I know come next week I’ll be doing it all again. If you are reading – thanks for putting up with my crap. You deserve a medal, and a slap around the face.

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