How to Break Free
By Justine Williams
In a world where social approval often feels like currency, many of us find ourselves entangled in the web of people pleasing. But what exactly is people pleasing, and why do we do it? More importantly, how can we break free from this exhausting cycle? Let’s delve into these questions and explore 3 techniques to reclaim our happiness.
Understanding People Pleasing
People pleasing is a behavioural pattern where we prioritise the approval and acceptance of others over our own needs and desires. It can stem from a deep-seated fear of rejection, criticism, or conflict that drives us to seek validation by doing or giving to others, even at the cost of our own wellbeing and true feelings. The action of people pleasing often leads to resentment, burnout, and a loss of self-esteem. Like white ants in a house that chew away a house’s foundations, people pleasing erodes our confidence and self-worth.
Why Do We Do It?
The roots of people pleasing may be traced to childhood, where conditional love, praise, and acceptance trained us to believe that only by meeting others’ expectations, we wouldn’t endure the pain of rejection. Rather, we replaced fear with the desire to fit in and the sense of security that gives us.
The challenge comes though when we people please and put others needs and wishes above our own. This can lead to underlying feelings of resentment, being unfulfilled in relationships, and not feeling respected.
One of the most profound realisations that can jolt us out of the habit of people pleasing is understanding and feeling the following truth deeply:
No one respects a people-pleaser!
Ironically, the very reason we engage in people-pleasing behaviour is because we crave respect.
If hearing that wasn’t enough to create an instant change in your psyche, then consider these 3 techniques to break free:
1. Set Boundaries: Establishing clear boundaries is crucial in combating people pleasing tendencies. Practice saying ‘no’ when a request compromises your values, energy levels, or wellbeing. Communicate your boundaries assertively yet respectfully, i.e., “I appreciate you trusting me enough to babysit your son. Unfortunately, that date does not work for me.” You don’t need to provide an explanation for your reasoning or overexplain anything. Make a decision and find a way to say no with ease and grace.
2. Practice Self-Compassion: Cultivate self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you offer others. Acknowledge that perfection is unrealistic and
that mistakes are opportunities for growth. Self-compassion strengthens resilience and self-esteem, therefore reducing the need for external validation. An easy way to create self-compassion is to ask yourself, “If this were my child or best friend in this situation, what advice would I give them right now?”
3. Seek Support: Find a therapist you feel a rapport with who can not only provide encouragement and perspective but can pass on their professional wisdom and workshop ideas that are comfortable for you.
In the end, breaking free from people pleasing isn’t just about asserting yourself; it’s about honouring your inner voice and embracing the power of feeling good. This is your one true precious life, and it’s your time now to flourish.
Justine is a multi-award-winning clinical Hypnotherapist and children’s author.
