When Positivity can become toxic

22 July 20254 min read

Who believes if you always have a positive outlook, everything will be ok?

Bully to that. There’s a reason there’s day and night, yin and yang, black and white, up and down. And everything in between.

Having been through an incredibly challenging time recently, I’ve had some of those so-called pesky negative emotions. Anger. Rage. Sadness. Grief. Disappointment. I went to the dark side for a while. It was awful. Truly awful. I’ve not felt so down and lost for a long time. I got really dark.

While some outright avoided me. Others stepped up to hold space. But some, with the best intentions, encouraged me to let it go, move on, be positive, and be grateful for what I’ve got. One bright spark suggested my current situation was my choice, as was happiness.

Or…

Being told to smile (even when I didn’t want to).

Being told to ‘Think positive’ or ‘Be optimistic’.

‘Don’t be so negative’.

‘You have nothing to be stressed about’.

‘Other people in the world have it worse than you’.

Hashtags on social media like #GoodVibesOnly or #PositiveVibesOnly

There’s a line between finding the silver lining in an experience and toxic positivity.

Having a positive outlook on life is good for our mental well-being.

The problem is that life isn’t always positive. We all have painful emotions and experiences. While often icky and uncomfortable, those emotions need to be felt and dealt with openly and honestly to achieve acceptance and greater psychological health.

Instead, we’re tiptoeing around, scared we’re going to trigger someone with our experiences. Or not expressing how we feel, because who needs a Pollyanna telling you the sun is shining when for you, it’s dark and you just want someone to hold space for you?

Toxic positivity is dangerous. It’s gaslighting. It’s not helpful or makes you a more enlightened person because you always see the good. It makes me question someone’s mental health, because if you’re skipping over the bad bits in life, you’re not living fully.

Toxic positivity minimises and even denies any trace of human emotions that are not strictly happy or positive. It’s an avoidance of unpleasantness, and I don’t believe that’s healthy.

It avoids authentic human emotion, which causes guilt and can be shaming.

We have so much knowledge at our fingertips to understand how the brain works, which can give us an understanding of psychology and mental health.

Yet, we live in a time where we are ‘cancelled’ if we go against the virtue of the masses.

We get shut down for differing opinions.

Other people’s emotions make us uncomfortable. We avoid those who are negative.

It’s why people don’t share their thoughts. Because the peanut gallery will tell you how and why you should be feeling instead of letting you feel the feels, so you can move through it.

The pressure to appear ‘OK’ invalidates the range of emotions we all experience. You’re not defective, weak, or inadequate when you feel distress or sadness.

These are transient emotions. If we’re encouraged and supported through them, we learn, grow, and heal to come out the other side.

Reality is painful. There are a lot of people doing it tough right now. How many of them are quietly living in pain because they feel they have no one to turn to? If they do express themselves, how long before they’re told to not be negative? There’s a difference between positivity and optimism.

Optimism can be good and nurturing and allow us to believe that we will heal and survive the difficult moments. It acknowledges when times have been tough while also holding hope for things to change.

The pressure to be productive, upbeat, and happy leaves many feeling inadequate and ashamed that they’re not okay because they can’t make it through the day without a panic attack or tears.

Humans are not designed to be positive all the time.

When we dismiss other people’s concerns, it’s because many of us are uncomfortable with difficult feelings.

Sadness, anger, and fear aren’t inherently bad. They are part of our human experience spectrum that helps us identify things that are threatening, upsetting, or need attention, like a blinking light on your fuel tank when it’s almost empty. When someone disregards those feelings, it’s harmful to our mental and physical health.

Emotions aren’t positive or negative. They are only emotions. Stop denying the ones that make you feel shit. They’re there for a reason. You may just have to trust you’ll find someone who’ll hold space so you can express yourself.

It’s undeniable that being positive is a good thing. Excessive positivity is harmful.

Sometimes life can just flat-out suck. By pretending we’re “positive vibes all day,” we deny the validity of our human experience.

A mentor once told me that it’s ok to feel mad, sad, and down as long as I’m only renting the space. Don’t take a mortgage out on it. Feel the feels. Learn from the experience and grow.

By Annette Densham

Women who golf

Golf might once have had a reputation as a sport for retirees with plenty of time on their hands, but those days are well and truly behind us. Women of all ages are discovering that a round of golf delivers much more than a little friendly competition. In fact, golf has quietly become part of the health and wellbeing conversation, combining exercise, fresh air, mental stimulation and social connection – without necessarily feeling like exercise at all. At Southport Golf Club, that growing interest is easy to see. The club has welcomed 84 new women members over the past two years, all of whom have continued their membership, joining an existing community of around 170 women. Exercise Without the Gym An 18-hole round can clock up more than 10,000 steps and burn around 900 calories. But unlike pounding away on a treadmill, you’re usually far too busy thinking about your next shot, chatting with your playing partners and enjoying the surroundings to notice just how active you’ve been. Walking the course also helps strengthen and tone muscles, while providing regular moderate exercise that can contribute to better cardiovascular health. Good for the Mind, Too There’s something to be said for spending a few hours outdoors. Fresh air, green spaces and physical activity can help reduce stress, improve mood and boost self-esteem, while the release of endorphins can leave you feeling happier, more relaxed and even sleeping better. Regular physical activity can also help reduce the risk of conditions including heart disease, high cholesterol and dementia, supporting our health as we age. Keep Learning Golf is one of those wonderful games you never completely master – which might occasionally be infuriating, but it’s also part of the appeal. Learning new skills, setting goals and challenging yourself keeps the brain engaged and provides a real sense of achievement. Friends, Fun and Connection Perhaps one of golf’s greatest benefits is its social side. It creates opportunities to meet new people, strengthen friendships and enjoy time with family – with plenty of conversation along the way. And you don’t need to be super fit, young or particularly sporty to start. The handicap system allows different abilities to play together, while choosing between nine or 18 holes means golf can fit into busy lives. Exercise, friendship, fresh air and a little healthy competition? Perhaps golf really is onto something.

Health and Wellness

The Rise and Rise of Hypnotherapy

You’ve probably slipped into a hypnotic state today. You just didn’t call it that. Have you ever driven somewhere familiar and suddenly realised you have no memory of the last few kilometres? You weren’t asleep, your attention simply wandered while your brain handled it automatically. We all experience periods of absorbed attention, which can also feel like daydreaming. Hypnotherapy uses that same state, guided deliberately toward a therapeutic goal. You may have heard of the lovely story about a man who asked his gardener what made his plants grow so beautifully. The gardener replied: “I don’t force them to grow. I remove what stops them. I pull out the weeds that are strangling their growth, clear the space around them, and position healthy plants to better receive the sunlight they need.” That is how I think about hypnotherapy. Sometimes old patterns, beliefs and emotional responses have shaped the way we think, feel and behave for years. We may consciously know we want something different, yet still find ourselves responding in the same familiar way. Hypnotherapy aims to explore what’s underneath those patterns, and may help loosen what’s no longer serving us, making room for new ways of thinking, feeling and doing. So, what does hypnotherapy actually feel like? You remain awake and aware. You can hear, speak, think and open your eyes at any time. For many people, hypnosis is experienced as deeply relaxing and focused. The outside world may feel less important as attention becomes absorbed in the therapist’s voice and suggestions. Depending on the goal, hypnosis might involve exploring a different perspective, rehearsing a new response, strengthening confidence or working with an unwanted habit or emotional pattern. But isn’t that just meditation? Not quite. Meditation helps us become still. Hypnotherapy uses that same focused, relaxed state and gives it direction and purpose. Meditation generally aims to cultivate awareness, presence and calm. Hypnotherapy uses focused attention and suggestion towards a specific therapeutic goal, working with thoughts, feelings, behaviours and patterns. What might people seek it for? Stress, anxiety, sleep difficulties, pain management, confidence, self-esteem, unwanted habits and phobias, such as a fear of flying or emetophobia (a fear of being sick), are among the reasons people may explore hypnotherapy. For an HSC student, that might mean a calmer relationship with exams, or reduced performance anxiety. Hypnotherapy isn’t a one-size-fits-all intervention, and no ethical practitioner should promise a particular outcome. What does the science say? For years, some dismissed hypnosis as a parlour trick. Modern neuroscience has given researchers a new way to investigate what actually happens. In a Stanford University study published in Cerebral Cortex, researchers used functional MRI to examine brain activity and connectivity during hypnosis. They observed changes involving networks associated with attention, cognitive control and self-awareness in highly hypnotisable participants. The research doesn’t suggest hypnosis is a magic switch, or that everyone responds the same way. But it does add to growing evidence that something measurable is happening in the brain during hypnosis. From athletes to celebrities and royalty Hypnosis has moved a long way from its stage-show associations. Athletes have explored hypnosis, visualisation and mental rehearsal as part of performance preparation. Dual Olympian Jodi Winter has spoken about her own experience of hypnotherapy, describing coming away feeling “deeply relaxed, clearer and lighter”, and the easing of anxiety she had carried for much of her life as “incredibly freeing.” Catherine, Princess of Wales, has spoken about using hypnobirthing techniques to help her cope with hyperemesis gravidarum, a severe pregnancy sickness condition, as well as during the birth of her three children. Perhaps high performers understand something the rest of us are increasingly recognising: the mind isn’t separate from performance. It is part of it. So why is hypnotherapy rising now? We’re surrounded by notifications, screens and constant demands for our attention, yet many struggle to switch off, sleep, feel confident or simply feel like themselves. Hypnotherapy offers something increasingly precious: deep, focused attention. For many women juggling work, family and everyone else’s needs, that kind of undivided attention on themselves is rare, and it can feel like coming up for air. In a world of surface-level, instant dopamine hits, depth is becoming essential. If that’s something you’re drawn to exploring, who you choose to guide you there matters. Choosing a hypnotherapist When choosing a hypnotherapist, know that the profession, like counselling, is unregulated. Look for the title ‘Clinical Hypnotherapist,’ and as a benchmark, ideally one who is a member of the Australian Society of Clinical Hypnotherapists (ASCH) or the Australian Hypnotherapists Association (AHA), both of which ensure high educational standards, ongoing supervision and continued training. With the right support, there’s a chance to learn something wonderfully new. Disclaimer: This article is for general information only and is not intended to replace medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. If you have a mental health concern, speak with your GP or another appropriately qualified healthcare professional. About the author Justine Williams Founder of The Feel Good Studio and Hyp Little Fairy Tales® Affectionately known as The Fairy Godmother for her work supporting children, parents and families. A highly regarded Clinical Hypnotherapist, speaker and multi-award-winning author. Website Email

By Justine Williams

Health and Wellness

A House in the Making – A Scent of things to come

For Paul James Graham, ‘Spencer Rambo’ represents the culmination of more than two decades immersed in hair, fashion and creative direction — and the beginning of something much larger. An award-winning hairdresser, educator, creative director and brand ambassador, Graham’s career has extended beyond the salon into education, editorial, competitions, judging, campaigns and major hair productions. That experience – and a reputation built over many years – now forms part of the foundation of Spencer Rambo. But Graham is not building it alone. His husband and long-time partner, Paul Dumenil, brings a different perspective. Where Graham’s career increasingly carried him beyond the salon, Dumenil remained deeply immersed within it – connected to the client, the craft and the everyday reality of creating beautiful hair. Their strengths are different, but complementary. Somewhere between Graham’s broader industry experience and Dumenil’s intimate understanding of the salon, Spencer Rambo began to take shape. Not simply as another name in haircare, but as a house – with its own point of view on beauty, fragrance, design and luxury. Its first expression is fragrance. CADENCE; In Perfect Time and ICON; Be Remembered are Spencer Rambo’s inaugural Hair & Body Perfumes. Designed to be worn through the hair and across the body, both feature an impressive 25% perfume concentrate, alongside Sodium Acetylated Hyaluronate – an advanced form of hyaluronic acid chosen for its moisture-binding properties and affinity with the hair. The fragrances themselves are deliberately distinct. CADENCE opens with aldehydes and jasmine, moving through clove, orange blossom and jasmine before settling into marine notes, amber and musk – polished, atmospheric and sensual. ICON moves differently: floral notes and vanilla give way to amber and matcha, grounded by musk, ambergris and sandalwood for warmth, depth and lingering sophistication. They are, perhaps, best understood as perfumes that happen to understand hair. CADENCE and ICON are only the first glimpse inside the house Graham and Dumenil are building. What comes next is being kept deliberately close. For now, the clues are in the legacy of their hairdressing careers – a world beginning to reveal itself. CADENCE and ICON are the invitation. Behind them, the doors to Spencer Rambo are only beginning to open. “As professional hairdressers, we never take for granted the trust someone places in us when they invest their time and money in something we create for them. we want them to feel that same genuine value when they choose Spencer Rambo – in the quality, the formulation and the experience. Luxury can be beautiful and aspirational, but above all, it should be truthful — Paul & Paul

Health and Wellness

Why you need to put yourself first

In today’s fast-paced world, it can be easy to focus entirely on your responsibilities – including caring for others – leaving you on the back burner. If you’re constantly prioritising other people, it’s time to take a step back and remember that you deserve some TLC, too. Why is it so hard? There are many reasons why it’s challenging to put yourself first. Our culture for one. If you were surrounded by people telling you taking breaks means laziness or true love means always saying yes, you’ll likely feel pressured to ignore your own needs. Self-discipline, lack of motivation or not knowing how to seek help can also be barriers. You might also perceive the act as selfish, which runs contrary to the essence of prioritising oneself. But here’s why you should. Maybe you’re a parent who must put your children’s needs before your own or the eldest child expected to carry the responsibilities at home. No matter where you are in life right now, here are reasons why you should put yourself first this year. 1 You Risk Burnout When you constantly put other people’s needs above your own, you can drain yourself of energy. You do things like helping a co-worker or doing a favour for your sibling because you feel like you should, leaving you hopeless and exhausted. Show kindness to yourself first so you can show up fully for your loved ones. 2 Your Stress Can Impact Those Around You When was the last time you checked in with yourself and made time for your passion? Occupying yourself with responsibilities can lead to a lifestyle where stress becomes normal. If not addressed, it can affect your health and your relationships with others. 3 You May Lose Yourself in the Process Do you feel like you must be productive all the time? Ask yourself – are you doing it out of necessity or because your inner critic dictates you should achieve goals to be deemed perfect, worthy, and acceptable? It’s time to overcome those internal narratives that may impede your growth.